matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
