I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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