Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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