It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
