I need help removing her.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
