Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
