a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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