Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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