The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
