This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
