bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
