I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
