What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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