Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
