how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
