We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
