the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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