Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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