After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have demons in me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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