I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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