she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
