My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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