I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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