but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
