My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me