my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.