I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here