I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
