NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
