Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
