if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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