I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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