It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
