Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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