She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
