So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
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I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
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We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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