I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
