she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
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