brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
