You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
