I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
