my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
