I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just found a bag of teeth...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
