I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
