Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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