OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
