She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
