The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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