im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
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Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
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I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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