oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize