Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My breasts were aching with rage.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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