Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
