I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
