Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
