Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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