I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
