dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
