kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
