I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
