just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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