You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I think my vagina is haunted
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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