That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
3 2 1 whiskey
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You left your phone here
Wait...
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