So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
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You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
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If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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